VD

At first I was thinking of posting something like this for Valentines Day:

(thanks Genny, over at Hartley)

THEN!!! This boy

sent me these

and I changed my mind.

More thoughts

Hi all. Listen, Ok? There are a shit ton of reasons I haven't posted lately, ok? I know this may come as a great shock and surprise to you agoraphobic xenophobe’s, but not only am I incredibly busy and VERY important, but also in this world today there are more important things than blogging with which to be concerned.

Like the discovery that obesity is linked to ovarian cancer, Obama picking Leon Panetta for CIA director, gun attacks in Athens, the fact that teens talk about violence and sex on myspace, the Mumbai Dossier, the fact that Israeli troops, with air strikes tried to sieze ground from Hamas Militants today despite international calls for a ceasefire in a conflict that has killed more than 540 Palestinians in 10 days, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up and Lindsay decided she likes guys now. -- there are international tragedies occurring at this very moment the likes of which we've never borne witness to before. This fragile planet we live on is in constant social and economic turmoil. The ever-increasing ferocity of religious and political zealots and their blatant impetuosity to die for the materialization of their disturbing ideals threatens the very sanctity of our sentience as human beings.

Hahaha! Sike! I don't even know what the hell I said up there. Seriously. "...their blatant impetuosity to die for the materialization..." ? "...threatens the very sanctity of our sentience.." ? Haha. I have absolutely no idea what any of that junk means. And as for the stuff about Athens and Myspace and crap? Yeah, I totally just pilfered that off Google News. I'm pretty sure all of this talk is just about high cholesterol or some such bather, so I don't even get what the big deal is about this whole situation. I mean, helloooo, just cut down on all the effing butter and ice cream and egg yolks. Not that hard. Geez.

Who am I kidding. All of this bad news really did make me stop and ponder. Made me think. Made me pause. Made me wonder. Who am I? Where am I going? What does it all mean Basil? I sat in silence and engaged in a few moments of quiet meditation. And in the silence I realized, you know what? I am someone. I am Bethany. I am Bethany of Thoughts of a Broad. I am the girl who cusses too much. I am the blogger who cared enough to post pictures of my vacation, living room, and life. I am the chick who writes pointless blog posts (i.e.: this post). I am the one who hasn't updated this shitty blog in forever. I am the owner of a blog no one reads. I AM ME!

That is all

~B

P.S. I'm bringing "sike" (or is it psyche...?) back. Tell all your friends.

There is some weirdness today in my mind and in my Uterus

There has been a lot of speculation around Casa de Scarbrough about the next four years. I remember the same speculation right about the time Clinton was elected. That ol' rascal :). Actually a lot of speculation about the coming years. Not just the next four. I do not wish to get into to this speculation.

I would like to say something though.

I have been thinking a lot about the war, peace, humanity, life. After all this pondering it occurred to me that if I live my entire life without surviving for a time on wheat and rice while living in a fox hole for several years while purifying my own urine for drinking water while the infrastructure of the world around me crumbles, and the depravity of humanity reaches the unbearable world wide, I'll smile and die happy.

Call me naive, but I would like to think that life will go on folks. Of course there will be wars, contention, and unrest. Gas prices will go up, then down, the probably up again, then probably down again. Maybe we won't need gas at all in the not too distant future.

People will continue to complain about the depravity of humanity, seeing only the evil going on in front of their faces while ignoring the not so rosy road that brought humanity to where it is today. I would like to paraphrase something someone smarter than me said, Polygamy, human sacrifice, cannibalism, wife beating, self mutilation, war, circumcision, castration and incest are perfectly "moral" actions in certain cultures and at certain times in our history.

I assume that hate crimes, cruelty and bigotry in its various forms will continue. As long as people continue to believe that they are somehow a chosen or better people. Some how above the rest, or privy to some special knowledge. Whether this belief comes from religion, or somewhere deep inside that special place in their heart, they feel that their God will reward his faithful and acknowledge their sacrifices and damn everyone else. Unfortunately, what it means to be one of God's faithful varies widely from religion to religion. We all know we are right and everyone else is in the dark. To quote Richard Dawkins; "...We are all atheist about most Gods humanity ever believed in..."

The pious believe it is their responsibility or privilege to, by the spirit, prove the absolute rightness (?) of their religion. To give a light to those in the dark. This sometimes offends the unwilling rescued. This is a story as old as humanity. It is the reason for unrest in the Middle East, apartheid, America, The Inquisition, The Salem witchcraft trials, human sacrifices, suicide bombers, the chastity belt, ethnic cleansing, racism, genocide, fillicide, infanticide, misogyny, wars, and you get the idea.

I guess in order for humanity to have the peace we so desperately preach, and want and crave, Christ is going to have to descsend from Heaven with all his pomp and granduer to end these arguments like most Christians believe he someday will. Maybe someday all this contention will be ended by the decimation of ALL life by some unstoppable force from the outer reaches of our universe. A gamma ray burst, a ravenous black hole, an asteroid, the birth of a new star, or the untimely death of our Sun. Maybe will will war ourselves to death. Each army confident that they are right, that God is on their side, and finally, maybe because of our carelessness, we will kill our Earth. The only planet in our Solar System capable of sustaining our existence. Pick your poison people...or maybe we could just coexist, with people and our planet. Maybe we could try to see that we are all just people trying to find our path, trying to be happy. It almost sounds trite, but so what. History has always been written by the winners, which why it is sometimes distorted. I would like to write my own history, without buying into alarmist mentalities, or messed up ideals, or conflicting standards. I just want to be me and be a genuinely good person, and to love life and people and diversity and live my life and allow others the same opportunity regardless of race, creed, religion, standards, political affiliation, nationality or sex.

-End Rant-



In other things on my mind but not so particularly controversial, did anyone see The Moon, Jupiter and Venus last night?

What an awesome time to be alive, People!

I love you, that is all.

~B

R.I.P. Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies is, metaphorically speaking Pushing Daisies. Was that lame? That was lame. I apologize.

Despite the heroic efforts of this gorgeous blog, and this letter:

Dear ABC,

I am a homeless, Legless, Armless and pie less person in love with the show Pushing Daises. It is my only joy in an otherwise very bleak and lonely world. If you cancel this show, I will have no reason to carry on. Seriously. None whatsoever. Do you really want that on your shoulders? Karma, ABC. Karma. Also, My deaf and blind veteran grandfather who fought for this country's freedom is also in love with Pushing Daisies. If not for me, Please save it for him. Also for LJ and Jimmy. Thank you and God Speed ABC.

as written by me at the request of LJ.

Pushing Daisies has been cancelled. How will I spend my Wednesday nights?


That is all.

~B

Portion of Assuagement

This past evening I had the opportunity, nay privilege, of seeing the new 007 flick. Quantum of Solace. Pretty standard. All the quintessential Bond shenanigans complete with a Heavy capable of all manner of evil douche baggery. I liked it.

The title, I admit, I am not quite clear on. When they say "quantum" are they referring to the physics term? Radiant energy blah blah blah...Planck's constant blah blah blah times the frequency of blah blah blah...fundamental units...blah blah blah...?

A large quantity? A certain amount? of...solace?

So, by analyzing the above, I have deduced that the title means one of three things.

A. A Portion of Assuagement. (My personal favorite)

2. The smallest quantity of radiant energy brings comfort equal to the frequency of the associated radiation...?

C. Revenge and/or justice brings a large portion of comfort.

4. Daniel Craig is hot.


That is all.

True Stories from the life of Bethany: The Dog Poo Epistle

This true story happened several weeks ago. At some point in mid to late September.

Upon arriving to Molly & Jake's house around 7:15 am, she (Molly) asked if I would help her put a board up on the fence. The purpose of the board was to keep their dog, Callie, from jumping the fence a running amok, as she was prone to do. I agreed to acquiesce her request because I am a very nice person.

At no point during the morning did I enter her yard.

As we were carrying this very large board and trying to maneuver it to a stable position on the fence, I was sure to caution Molly of the dog poo smeared all down one of edge of the board, because like I said in the second paragraph of this Epistle, I am a very nice person. I would also like to add that I am caring and concerned about the well being of those that are close to me.

It soon became apparent that this board was not long enough and would not serve the purpose she had imagined for it. We said screw it and jumped into the Honda to pick up her Mom.

On the way to Jackie's house, I began to smell the unmistakable odor...of dog crap. Molly hopped out of the car to utilize the thick grass in Jackies front yard, then we went along our merry way.

It was immediately apparent that this did not solve the odoriferous problem, and she began to search diligently for the poo. I searched half-heartedly, sure that it could not possibly be me, as I had not entered the yard (where all the poo was located) as I mentioned above. Molly had a package of wet towelettes which she used to clean off the bottom of her shoes, hoping to finally solve the problem. When that did not work, I looked a little closer at myself. It was then that I realized I was the problem. Not only did I have a thick coating of Callie poo on BOTH of my shoes, It was all over in my laces, and now, all over the carpet. Shocked and confused as I was, I agreed to clean the mess. Molly graciously handed me the wet wipes. Wiping the poo was too much for my delicate gag reflex. I began heaving. This set off other gag reflexes in the car. So there we were, all of us laughing, heaving, and tearing up from laughing and heaving.

Molly, who is both a courteous and conscientious driver decided it was in our best interest to pull over and solve this poo poo problem while parked. I hopped out of the car and began to drag my feet through the sparse dry grass on the side of the road. It was then that all of the other people who work with us and live in TaylorSnowlflakeville drove by and saw me traipsing through the dirt and dead grass, and Molly and Jackie doubled over laughing.

When we arrived, me still smelling strongly of Callie's hind end, everyone knew and I knew that my plans of cementing myself as the "cool" one in the office we tragically smashed to smithereens.

This is all true, all of it.

The End

p.s. For more of Callie's shenanigans, check out this GORGEOUS blog

True Stories from the life of Bethany

I have decided to try something. It is an experiment for all three of you here that read this sorry excuse for a blog. I am going to be posting true stories from my life. All of these stories will be included in my memoir, but do not fear - those of you who have pre-ordered your copies, there will be a-plenty more in there not shared here.

In this my pilot post I would like to tell a story that happened last Tuesday. That's Tuesday October 21, 2008. I was at work, and the day progressed just like any other, until approximately 3:45 pm. Our last patient of the day phoned to let us know he and his lovely wife would be running late. Molly informed him (like any good receptionist/assistant should) that if he was going to be more than 15 minutes late, we would need to reschedule their appointments. He assured her that they would try their hardest to make it there no more than 15 minutes late. 4:15 came and went and both hygienists and the good Dr decided to leave for the day. At 4:16.9853424456756756723456367721 the patient walked through the door. It was at this point that Molly calmly told the patient that he would need to reschedule. Words were said, he was sad/mad/angry and Molly stood her ground. (But really, what other options did she have? Both dentists were gone, as were both Hygienists. It was just us, and obviously we do not have the proper training to perform whatever procedure he needed, right?) At this, the patient leaves the office.

We (Molly and I) decide it is time to clean the office and leave for the day. As she is tidying up the lobby, I point to the door and ask "Molly, is the door locked?" "Yes", she replied and then proceeded to make a joke about how we need to make sure that it really is locked because of what happened last night (Which by the way is another story). It is at this point that we hear a car drive up. Molly asked her mother, Jackie, if she could see who it was. To both Molly and I, it seemed as though she said "A Man". Molly freaks out. "IT'S HIM!! HE'S BACK!! HIDE!!1!1one!!!" She ducks into the bathroom, her mom dashes to the office, I look left, I look right, "No time, no time!!" I'm thinking frantically, I hear footsteps on the doorstep. I hit the ground, cover my eyes and promptly assume the fetal position. I lay there quivering because I am so excited and my adrenaline is pumping, I'm covering my eyes and giggling like a retard. Approximately 45 seconds go by, I start to feel safe about uncovering my eyes and getting up. At this point, I peek over my shoulder and I see a man, standing at the reception desk. Staring down at me. "Oh, HELLO!!!" I very over-enthusiastically said(practically screamed)to him. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind at this point, but mostly I am hyper aware of two very embarrassing things. 1. The fact that I am currently still partially in the fetal position on the floor and B. My scrub bottoms are currently at half mast, and my ass is partially exposed.

I very clumsily tried to get up and and speak at the same time and failed ( I guess I'm not a multi-tasker), and then tried regain my whatever and communicate like a normal person. The entire time the patient is saying nothing, just staring at me. When he finally does speak, he asks "Where you napping?" To which I so very eloquently replied "uh..ye..uh, nnn uh, yea...uh...how...can I help you?"

The front door I am sure you have realized by this point, was.Not.Locked. There can only be one person to blame for this, and her name is Molly. Don't let her tell you differently.

For those of you who are visual learners, I have included this very accurate, very precise diagram, drawn by me.




For those of you whom this drawing did not help, you do not understand fine art, and therefore, I suggest you visit here: HERE

This is all true. All of it.

That is all.

~B